Through the Eyes of a Child

Last weekend we went on a road trip to visit family and friends in TN. It's been about two years since we've been able to spend quality time with Curtis' grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Curtis' grandmother lives on a farm outside of Nashville. The views and scenery are absolutely breathtaking. Our trip coincided perfectly with the autumn leaves--something we miss terribly in TX.

We took the trip with Curtis' parents, so there were enough hands to help with Wade and the driving on the 10 plus hour trip. Wade was exceptional! He typically doesn't sleep in the car, and except for about 20 minutes, this trip was no exception. However, he handled the long car ride very, very well. Of course we took frequent breaks for ice cream and other goodies!

Grandma's farm is one of my very favorite places. It's quiet and serene. You can often see the deer hiding in the woods as you drive up the 1/2 mile lane to the house. I love sitting at the kitchen table and watching the birds come up to the feeder at the window. The scent of nature fills me, which is quite amazing since I'm not really the outdoorsy type. You just can't help but feel less stressed and anxious when surrounded by this beauty. For the first time though, I got to experience these things through Wade's eyes. And those visions make the farm even more incredible and memorable.

Each time we drove between the farm and Aunt Linda's house, we saw horses and goats and cows and deer along the winding back roads. It was so much fun to see Wade's eyes light up and get big as we pointed out the different animals. On the way to church Sunday morning, we even got caught behind a John Deere tractor!

On one trip in, we were stared at by a cow from the back of a trailer in front of us. On our last drive out the lane, our view was of a very recently shot deer laying on the bed of Curtis' cousin's truck:-(

The weather was absolutely perfect for playing outside. Wade's second cousins also came out for a visit, and we took the time to kick around the ball, run, catch bugs, and climb trees. It was so heartwarming to see all the boys include Wade in their adventures. Even though he can't run and climb just like them, they made sure to include him.

At one point, Carter wanted to pull his brother Hudson and Wade in the old Radio Flyer wagon. Unfortunately, we didn't have a way to support Wade in the wagon. We tried his Childrite seat, but it was too wide to sit securely in the bottom. The adults had pretty much given up on the idea, but five year old Carter was determined to find a way. I watched as he went and grabbed Wade's umbrella stroller. I think my heart stopped at the thought of Wade buckled in the stroller as it sat on top of the wagon. However, Carter had a different plan. He looped the belt on the stroller through the handle of the wagon as he told us to put Wade in the stroller. He then pulled the stroller backwards which pulled the wagon. All three boys had a great time with this!

The entire weekend was a much needed break from routine. Sometimes I forget how precious the little things in life are. Just being with family and friends--talking and laughing without the distractions of computers and televisions and cell phones--is such a blessing. I get so caught up in everything that *has* to be done, and somewhere along the way I forgot what it really means to be a kid. This past weekend was a much needed reminder to take a look at the world and enjoy life through the eyes of a child. It's a beautiful perspective!

The Irony

Above is the view I have from my favorite spot on the couch. It's the backside of my coffee table. Thankfully it's the side that's really not visible from anywhere else in the room. The sad part is, even when the house is spotless, this little space remains this same cluttered mess. It's very symbolic of the chaos in my life. I feel like it's such a representation of everything that is going on in my head--so many thoughts and feelings and on going lists of things to do just kind of shoved to the side and haphazardly placed as I try to move on throughout the day.

If you take a close up look of what's smack dab in the middle of the pile, you'll see the irony.  Two books about organization--"Unclutter Your Life in One Week!!" and "ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life"!  Why am I not surprised?

School Days

Wade is officially a preschooler! This is his second year of school, but it is his first year in an inclusive classroom. Although it is a lot of hard work getting things in order, we are very excited about the possibilities.

Wade is in the afternoon class--12:15-3:15--this year.  I secretly think this assignment was on purpose to see if I could manage to get him to class before the bell rang:-) I am happy to report that this schedule works much better for MY schedule! I am not a morning person, so I really struggled with getting things together and both of us out the door last year when he was in the morning class.  I'm doing much better with this time change.  Although Wade is eligible to ride the bus--which would probably make things much easier on me--I take him to and from school.  I just don't like the idea of him sitting on the back of that bus in the wheelchair accessible spot all by himself. Since I'm able to drive him, it also gives me the opportunity to communicate more with the school.  It helps me feel like I'm more in the loop.  I'm not sure if the teachers prefer it this way, but it sure does make me feel better.  Not to mention that if he rode the bus, his scheduled pick up time would be 11:07AM.  That's a little over an hour before school actually starts!

On Wednesday, the third day of school, I wheeled Wade into class behind the the rest of the kiddos. As I stopped in the doorway, a little girl looked up from putting her things in her cubby and exclaimed, "Hey Wade!" I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest. Her little voice was so sweet, welcoming, and accepting. Come to find out, this is the same little girl who had shouted,  "Hey, there's that boy!" just the day before when Curtis dropped him off:-)

On Thursday, we had a meeting at the school in the library. We were concluding the meeting as kiddos were getting lined up in the halls to go to class.  When Wade entered the hall from the library, I could hear, "Hi Wade!" and "Hey Wade!" and "Wade!" from all of his classmates. It's such an amazing feeling to know that Wade is being included and accepted for who he is. 

As of today, Wade has completed his second full week of school. To say he is exhausted is an understatement! Due to the afternoon schedule, Wade has been forced to give up his naps. Unfortunately, he has not adjusted his morning wake up time to make up for this. He is still getting up between 5:00-6:30AM! I'm hoping that as we get more settled into the school year he will realize that staying in bed until at least 7:00 isn't such a bad thing!  One day during the first week of school I told the assistant, "I don't know what y'all are doing all day, but he sure is worn out." She said that she wasn't surprised because Wade spends the majority of his afternoon laughing at his friends! I'm so happy that he enjoys going to school and has so much fun playing with his new classmates.  Although the struggle to make the curriculum and environment accessible for Wade is absolutely draining, the smile on his face and the acceptance of his friends makes every single step on this journey worthwhile.

I'm Tired

I originally started this post on Monday, August 1. It's now Sunday, August 22! Right in the middle of it, I got a phone call from Curtis telling me that his doctor was admitting him to the hospital for two blood clots in his right thigh. I'm thrilled to report that, after a three week recovery (4 nights in the hospital and the remainder at home), Curtis is doing much better, and will be returning to work tomorrow. I find it quite ironic that I was writing a post about being tired. The past three weeks just added another element to my already challenging routine! I was going to delete it and start fresh, but as I reread the post, I realized my feelings haven't changed much. In fact, the mental and emotional fatigue has reached a new level with the start of school tomorrow. I'll hopefully address those aspects in a few days. Until then, I just want to close this post out and fill in the blanks later.

I'm tired. I'm physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. I hate when I get to this point, and I typically try to keep it under wraps. But for some reason I want to share this time. Not to get pity, but so other families who have kids with disabilities know that they're not alone.

Spring was very, very busy in the Jordan household. Wade and I traveled to VA in March for his magnetic therapy where we stayed for two weeks. In April, we followed up with a trip to New Jersey for a week of intensive MEDEK therapy. In the midst of this, we were also preparing for his annual ARD and an assistive technology evaluation. I was on a constant "high", trying to get things done and keep everything straight. The end of the school year was right around the corner, but the stress of the ARD didn't let me enjoy it too much. We went to ARD in April and ended up asking for a new assistive technology evaluation because the first one wasn't done correctly. The school had six weeks to complete that and rewrite new goals and objectives, which meant our annual ARD was scheduled for the last week of school. Unfortunately, all members of the ARD still weren't seeing eye to eye at that meeting, so we closed it out and will have a new ARD at the beginning of this school year to write more appropriate goals and objectives. The bottom line--they recommended that Wade attended a general ed pre-K class next year instead of a self-contained special education class. I'm all for that. However, they didn't think we needed to address academic goals because they think he's in line cognitively with typical four years. I totally agree he knows a lot, but he's still not going to be able to access the curriculum the way a child without physical disabilities can. And for that reason, he needs goals and objectives to help him with this. Luckily the general ed teacher at the meeting agreed with me. There's also still the matter of communication. We will be starting the school year without a recommended device by the school. I am thrilled that they recognize how smart Wade is, but without a plan in place on how he is going to express this knowledge and access the curriculum, we're not going to get very far. Needless to say, we left the meeting with some things unresolved. Which means I have had all summer to dwell on what's going to happen in just a few weeks when school resumes.

So, that's where a lot of my mental exhaustion stems from; trying to make decisions for Wade that are in his best interest. Decisions that are going to set him up for success, not failure. Decisions that, even at the young age of four, can potentially affect the rest of his life. One thing that I don't think teachers understand is that the decisions that they are helping make for my child affect them (the teachers) for one year. After the school year is over, Wade will move on up to the next teacher. However, those same decisions affect Wade, as well as our family, forever. That's not to say that the decisions made by the teachers are done so lightly. I completely understand that they throw their heart and sole into their kiddos. But at the end of the day, they get to go home. As parents to a child with a disability, we never get a break. Which leads to my emotional fatigue.

My life forever changed on May 22, 2007. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that my time would be consumed with therapy appointments, doctor appointments, ARD meetings, advocacy meetings, etc. I thought these first years would be monopolized by play groups, mommy meet-ups, birthday parties, and fun outings. I thought my biggest concern would be which park we would go to on Saturday. The life that I thought I had so much control over came crashing down. This definitely isn't the life I would have chosen, but it is the life God gave me. I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade if for the world. However, that doesn't mean that I don't like it sometimes. That I don't wish I didn't have to worry about all the things I worry about. Even a simple task of running to the store can be an obstacle. I hope and pray that once I get to the store I can find an accessible place to park. Not so we don't have to walk as far to get to the door, but so I have a place to lower the wheelchair ramp so that Wade can get out of the van. Then I hope that the store is set up in a way that the aisles are big enough to navigate. In the midst of that thought, I try to figure out how I'm going to carry all of my purchases to the register without everything crashing to the floor.

I worry about things that I don't think I should really have to worry about right now. I know that every parent thinks about who will take care of their children if something were to happen to them. But it seems like a double whammy to me. My child comes with a lot of strings attached. It's hard to not think that his disability will be a burden on the person/people who will take care of him. Just from a financial standpoint, it's a burden. So, instead of just focusing on life insurance for us and a college savings account for him, I'm figuring out the best way to allocate money and adjusting his special needs trust so that even if he has money in his name through a trust, he can still qualify for other services before diving into that account. And besides the financial side, I have plans and visions and dreams for Wade. I'm willing to fight for them. I'm his mom. Someone else isn't going to have the same visions I do, and they're not going to have the same fight I have.

Then there's the whole emotional aspect of people looking at Wade as being "different". Sometimes I don't feel like going anywhere because I don't want to have to interact with people in public. Sometimes I try not to make eye contact because I don't want to see pity in people's eyes. I don't want the obligatory smile as I push Wade in his wheelchair. But whether I like it or not, I do it. It's good for Wade to be around people, and it's good for people to be around Wade. Quite honestly, Wade just attracts people. Every single time we go out, someone engages us in conversation, and Wade eats it up. He giggles and smiles and kicks his feet in excitement as he tries so hard to form some words. He's quite the social butterfly!

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And that's where I left this blog nearly three weeks ago. I could elaborate more on the emotional exhaustion, but I'll leave that for some future posts! I'm sure with school starting tomorrow, I'll have tons to write about.

Just to skim the topic of physical exhaustion, Wade is heavy. Not because he weighs so much, but because he's dead weight. When you carry him, he doesn't support himself, so it's like carrying a sack of potatoes...or 10!!! Because of that, I'm worn out. We basically have to do everything for him. It's like having the needs of a baby in a four year old's body. In order to feed him, we have to carry him to the table. In order to bathe him, we have to carry him to the bath. In order to put him to bed, we have to lift him up. If he wants to play with toys, we have to help him. If he wants to use his iPad, we have to hold it. If he wants to get around the house/other environments, we have to carry him. Of course, he has adaptive equipment (wheelchairs, strollers, gait trainers, etc.) to assist him with these things, but we (Curtis and I) still have to do the majority of the work at this point. The list goes on and on. It takes a lot of upper body strength to care for Wade, and quite honestly, it's something I lack in! The truth of the matter is, he's only going to get bigger and heavier. At the end of the day, I can't wait to get to bed. Sometimes I even wake up in the mornings anxious for bedtime:-)

However, when it's all said and done--no matter how tired I am--this is my life, and I'm truly blessed. It's not always pretty or easy, but it's full of hope and inspiration and life lessons. Just this afternoon someone said, "I don't know how you do it." I think it's something parents of kids with disabilities hear quite often. Sometimes I don't know how I do it, but I just do. And you would too if you were me.

A Dad's Perspective

For the June issue of our local Arc Chapter's monthly newsletter--The Arc of NE Tarrant County--Curtis was asked to write an article. I was going to share it on Father's Day and forgot! Then, I was going to share it last Saturday in honor of our six year wedding anniversary to show what an awesome dad he is. Believe it or not, I forgot again:-) So, here it is. I hope you enjoy.

Through a Father’s Eyes…

As we celebrate Wade’s birthday, I reflect on the last four years. As I look back on the rollercoaster of events and emotions, I find myself thinking of the lessons I have learned. At the beginning of Wade’s life, I was full of motivation and optimism. The first year was the hardest for Jenny and the easiest for me. I was focused on supporting her and not so much on the road ahead of us. I think it was a comfortable state of denial; it was definitely easier for me to plow though it than dealing with where we were. Then the reality came over me like a storm. I can’t tell you what caused it, but all of a sudden I woke up angry and frustrated with the cards that God had dealt me. I found myself turning away from God and Wade. I have always been a guy that could make something out of nothing, but this time I ran out of options and had nowhere to turn. I wasn’t as interested in his life, and I lost all motivation to press on. I wanted out.

One night I was watching Extreme Home Makeover. There was the typical family that the people of ABC were helping out, but this time they also focused on the people of the community that had stepped up to help the family. There was a gentleman they interviewed who owned a coffee shop in the local town who only hired people with disabilities. He also had cerebral palsy, and he wanted to show the rest of the world that people with disabilities can contribute to society. I remember watching this show and crying my eyes out because I was full of guilt. Here was a man who didn’t use his disability as a crutch in life. He used it more of a motivation tool to help others and himself spread awareness and hope to encourage people to overlook the disability and actually see what people CAN do and not so much what they CAN’T. I realized that what was holding Wade back were the voices in my head telling me that he would never do the things that a typical child could. I put an emotional fence around him to protect us from his disability. If I kept telling myself that he would never be able to do certain things, it wouldn’t hurt as much when we didn’t get to do them, and therefore we wouldn’t even have to try. I failed Wade by not letting him tell me what he could and couldn’t do. I was the one in his way. I was the one holding him back. I was the one trying to protect him instead of allowing him to succeed in life through his trials. We all fail at things. There will always be things in life that he is not going to be the best at. There will always be things that he may never be able to do. But standing in his way is not doing anything but holding him back.

The main thing I learned in this adventure is to get out of his way! Get behind him instead of in front of him. Push him to be the best at whatever it is that he wants to do in life. This isn’t denial anymore, or even over optimism. It’s more of a realization of the fact that there are going to be obstacles. But instead of failing before he tries, we’re going to learn how to ride this roller coaster of life together. Wade will be successful in life, AS LONG AS I STAY OUT OF HIS WAY.

Summer Fun at VLM

Today we ventured out and visited The Virginia Living Museum. Wade had such an amazing time looking at the fish as they swam up to the glass, right next to his face! 

After that, we were able to get up close and personal with some crabs, starfish, and horse shoe crabs.  I was quite impressed that Wade attempted to touch everything without pulling back.  He tends to have some pretty big sensory issues with certain textures. 

I think our very favorite part of the day--well, my favorite part anyway--was the butterfly exhibit.  Wade was so excited and interested in seeing these beautiful, fluttering insects all around him.  We even managed to get a few to land on him. 

Wade even tried to touch the butterfly himself.  His first modality when trying to touch something is his head.  So, he bent his head down to touch it.  It almost looks as if he's trying to kiss it!

Besides Curtis getting reprimanded for taking a flash picture in the planetarium and fussed at for trying to pick up one of the "not so friendly" butterflies, we had a pretty fantastic afternoon!  Wade even got to hang out in a turtle shell and fly through the air like a butterfly.  He had so much fun that he requested many times, "Do again."  Of course others may not understand what he's saying because he leaves off the initial sounds, but we know what he means:-)

 

I can't wait to see what other adventures are ahead of us while visiting Nonnie and Grandpa.  I'm sure whatever we do, it will be full of smiles and laughter.  One thing's for sure.  The weather here is so much more bearable than the Texas heat we left! 

Stronger Than I Ever Imagined

This article was posted on a Facebook group I'm a part of.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I wanted to pass it on to all of my mommy friends who have kids with disabilities.  YOU are amazing!

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More

Lori Borgman | Monday, May 12, 2002

My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes. Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said. Mothers lie.

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin.

Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.

Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two).

Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.

Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want. Some mothers get babies with something more.

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close.

Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime? I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body.

Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it. Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day.

How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists hammering in your ear.

I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike.

I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.

From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule.

You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability.

You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law.

You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.