Memories

A year ago today...a new chapter of my life began. It still amazes me how quickly this emotional year has passed. I can close my eyes any time of the day and easily be transported back to those first few days of Wade's life. I can see, hear and sometimes even smell the events of those days. In fact, just last week Wade's birthday invitations came in the mail. The first picture on his invitation is the same picture that is at the top of this page. (Which, by the way, is my most favorite picture. It's the picture I looked at whenever I needed hope. He's just a few days old there, but I feel like he could really "see" me with those big eyes and knew who I was.) I picked up the invitation the other morning to look at it, and the smell of the NICU overwhelmed me. I really can't describe the scent, kind of a soft, sweet scent. But it instantly took me back to a night when Curtis and I had come home late from visiting Wade at the hospital. I had to bring home some of his tiny clothes he had worn because they were dirty. I slept with his little striped onesie that night. What a beautiful scent. I felt like he was with me.

On Monday, May 21, 2007, I watched a few episodes of A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby on TLC in anticipation of leaving for the hospital for my induction later that evening. In one of the episodes, the lady had a C-section. I vividly remember telling Curtis that I DID NOT want to have a C-section, no matter what! He told me we'd do whatever we needed to do. I so badly wanted the experience of a vaginal delivery and having my sweet baby lay on my chest. Well, we all know that didn't happen! I got cervadil that night, and pitocin the next morning. (Along with an epidural!!!) I dilated much faster than the nurses thought I would, and I started pushing around noon. I was snoring through contractions and in between pushes!! Curtis and my mom didn't think I could hear them talking about me, but at one point I yelled, "I can hear everything you're saying!" They thought they were so sly! Then Curtis decided he was hungry, so he took a bite of his sandwich right as I needed to push. Great memory, huh? Soon after, everything went crazy. The only thing I really remember was that I was crying because I had to have a section. At that point I don't think I realized anything was wrong. (Mind you, the doctor had tried forceps TWICE, but I was a bit oblivious!) Then the doctor yelled at the nurse to stop shaving, there wasn't enough time. That's when it hit me. They raced me down the hall and into surgery. They tore my cross from my neck and my earrings from my ears. All I could think about was Jesus on the cross because my arms were out to the sides, secured down. Then, I asked, "Why isn't my baby crying?" I had watched enough Baby Story episodes to know he should be crying my now. The man at my head--whom I later learned was the anesthesiologist--said, "Oh, they've just got their finger down his throat. He'll be okay." That's supposed to make me feel better???? Then I hear him mumbling over and over, "This isn't good. This isn't good," as I hear the nurses trying to resuscitate my son. All I hear is the bag blowing and them counting over and over and over again. It seemed like an eternity, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes. The only thing I could think of was that I was going to go home without a baby.

Then, I was taken into recovery. They let my mom come in, then I remember the chaplain coming in. Why was he there??? In the movies, the chaplain only comes in when someone is dying. Was my baby going to die??? Apparently things didn't look good, and he was there for "support". The main thing I remember during that time was the nurse coming in to check my belly. She pressed on my stomach and I pushed her hand away. It hurt sooooo bad! She was stern with me and told me she had to check it. For some reason, that really pissed me off! I guess a couple hours passed, and we were told they had to medvac Wade to Cook Children's in Ft. Worth. They had to take the helicopter instead of drive because of rush hour traffic and they had to get him there for cooling blanket treatment within a few hours. The cooling blanket--full body hypothermia--is a new treatment which hopes to stop any further brain damage from lack of oxygen. It can't "fix" original damage, but can prevent any further damage. Wade was only the 300th and some baby to ever have the treatment! They were supposed to put Wade right on the helicopter as soon as they got him ready, but the nurses thought it was very important that my family and I got to see Wade before he left. We were told they were making a HUGE exception. So, for just a couple of minutes, I got to touch my sweet baby's hand!

From then on, everything is a complete blur. I don't even remember going to my room. I do remember a doctor calling from Cook's to ask permission to do some sort of blood transfusion or something because his blood wasn't clotting. My mom and dad were sitting there, and when I got off the phone, they asked me what he said. I told them I didn't know, and they called Curtis to get him to find out what was going on. My question is, why would they call me to get permission when Curtis was there? I was doped up on pain killers and didn't know I had even had a baby!!!!

So, those are my memories from May 22, 2007. I'll go into more later. That took awhile through the tears!

Happy Birthday baby boy!! I love you!

May 22, 2007


May 22, 2008